Blind Trust and Unconditional Love Take a Ride with Pain

I couldn’t sleep last night. I tossed and turned and when I did doze off I had the same dream over and over again. I finally got up and took the dog out…at about 3:15. I jogged her up by the mall, turned left went down to the Safeway, turned left again and went to the Silver Diner, then turned right and went back home.

On the way home we ran into a guy wearing a really baggy sweatshirt. Kira started growling, and not the cute puppy growl that she has when she’s playing. The guy crossed the street right before passing us. Good girl Kira! This is why I don’t worry about going out for midnight jogs!

We get home, but I still feel restless. I read for about a half hour, but still don’t want to back to sleep. I’m trying to avoid dreaming. I contemplate taking something, but by now I wouldn’t be able to get eight full hours of sleep. More like two. I go back to bed and just stare at the ceiling…thinking.

Why is it that Kira so readily jumps to my defense if she thinks I’m in danger? People don’t do that. Isn’t it strange that an animal that has no cognizant thought can do what well educated, conscious people cannot? She didn’t think about the danger she could be putting herself in. She doesn’t question what she feels she has to do to protect the thing most important to her. Why can’t people do that for each other? Why do we question one another’s intentions? What happened to blind trust? What happened to being there for someone not matter what just because you love them? Why question love? Why determine your level of participation based on theirs?

We are all broken in some way. We all have history; some good, and some very bad. We are a conscious people, so we don’t let ourselves forget our past. We hold our past against other people. We punish them because we torment ourselves with our history.

For example; I have issues with people who get aggressive when they drink. It’s all in my past and it reminds me of terrible things from my past. I’ve turned down potentially great dates because they acted like R when I met them, and I just can’t go there again.

The key is not judging people until you get to know them. Don’t punish someone because you are afraid of history repeating itself. What happened to blind trust? Someone got hurt. That’s what happened. Someone got hurt, and will forever protect themselves from being hurt in the same way. Why question love? Because loving someone means being ultimately vulnerable and opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt again. Why do it? Because life isn’t worth it if you can’t have a little blind trust and it isn’t worth living if you can’t love someone and risk being broken.

I woke up twenty minutes later feeling like I’ve slept all night, with Kira’s snoring head on my stomach.

Someone Has to Prove the Earth Isn't Flat

God what a beautiful mind he has...and they don't even know it. He doesn't always know how many people he has behind him...so he fabricates modesty.

We all are so very good at pretending not to care, aren't we? The endless game we play because no body knows what will happen if we stop.

What will happen if we stop playing? The unknown is a vast ambience of fear and suspicion...so vast that it escapes our minds to even cogitate what is possible.

Someone needs be thrown in the deep end so we all can see if they sink or swim.

Mineral Water or Sludge

Posted to my My Space Blog January 31st 2007.

My Mom recently came up with this great idea to build her "gremlin" into something tangible so she can be reminded of it always. I happen to think this is a great idea by the way.

I walk into my Mom's office the other night and see this Barbie doll lying on her desk. I pick it up. It's attached to something that is covered by a piece of paper. I move the paper because naturally I'm as curious as the dead cat. She has the beautiful Barbie attached to an identical Barbie that looks like it survived an Atomic bomb and then found its way into a meat grinder. This Barbie was burnt, smashed, and painted on, stapled, and melted to list a few.

So I find myself unable to put the Barbie down. It's amazing to me. Not because I enjoyed seeing such a handsome doll destroyed and wished I had the guts to do it (all of my toys were kept as nicely as a 6 year old can keep things). I couldn't turn away because I saw how true it really was; her gremlin hit home.

Life is like that. One minute you are expected to perform perfectly, you should look perfect, act perfect, and talk perfect. You have to present yourself in a certain way. You have to walk a certain way. The next minute you're being told you aren't enough. "Sorry Babe, I've found someone else." "Sorry, your promotion is going to someone else." "Sorry, you just aren't skinny enough." "Sorry, you're too thin."

It's a vicious circle that spins us around until we find ourselves throwing up in the nearest garbage can.

Yadda, yadda, yadda. That's it. That's what I think about that.

If I want to display manners and a little etiquette now and then, why can't I? I get looks like I'm a snob or I am told that I care too much about what people think. This just simply isn't true. Though I do care about what people think, and I care very much how people feel, it doesn't run my life. I can try to make you happy, but ultimately you have to make yourself happy. I want to be the best person I can be because it makes me happy. I enjoy having impeccable manners (which I know my past dates enjoyed), and you can always bring me home to Mom!

So I guess the question is still relevant. Do you think your alright, or do you believe that society dictates whether your mineral water or sludge?

Von Dixie's Herrn, aka Killer Kira?

My Boxer puppy was bitten by another dog this weekend while at the barn. Doesn’t anyone else think there’s a problem with a dog that bites with the intent of doing harm? Kira is only a puppy; a 60 pound puppy, but a puppy none the less.

She has had plenty of dogs “school” her by mouthing her or head pinning her on the ground. Her Sheppard friend Lexi likes to grab her leg and pull it out from under her when she starts playing ruff. This is completely acceptable to me…but I understand dog behavior. I think my extensive study on canine behaviorism is being extremely underestimated.

The fact that Kira had at least 25 pounds on this other dog helps prove that she could not have been the aggressive one…otherwise poor little Crunch might not have walked away.

Perhaps I should enroll Kira in a doggie-self defense class.

In hind-site I wish she had lived up to everyone’s idea that Boxers are dangerous dogs because they look a little like pit bulls; at least the bite wounds on her face wouldn’t have been for nothing. My champion-bloodline purebred baby should probably stick to dogs that don’t maul her…I don’t think the AKC will recognize boxers whose ears are cropped by the mouths of other dogs. Is that a new breed standard?

M suggested she take Keigo to the barn with me next weekend, maybe next to a 175 pound Tosa Inu Kira won't look so vicious.

Doing A Lot of Damage Very Quickly

Anyone who has lived or experienced a person with Bipolar Disorder knows how badly an episode can tear emotions.

My family was recently afflicted by one such episode and is suffering from the aftermath.

We are left in a bit of mass confusion. No one is positive what to think or believe…and certainly no one knows what is going through the head of this individual. We do know that he has hurt someone very much.

As I cannot begin to presume what others are thinking, I believe that it is safe to say this much: we love him very much and hope that he finds his way somehow. We all want him to be safe and do what he needs to do to be happy.

Stop Looking in the Mirror and Turn Around

The two of us are not as different as you think…

I feel my avidity withering away too

Will Explain Quantum Theory for Food

will explain quantum theory for food
Originally uploaded by leslie powell.

I'm within the top 2.59% richest people in the world...in fact I'm supposedly the 155,652,174th richest person in the world.

Too bad most of that goes to taxes...

One thing should be stated...once you've reached $200,000 as your salary you are automatically placed within the top .01%. I checked.

This is good information; it makes me feel better about how much of my money goes to good causes. Being good to those around me keeps me off the streets!