Below are pieces of a blog post that a friend of mine posted recently. Instead of filling their comment section with my thoughts on the post I decided to take the relevant section and write about it here…
“Well...... you know those sitcom-style neighbor stereotypes... the ones always borrowing things from the main character - who then acts like they are doing the loaner a favor?
You know... like "I took a few of the six-packs of beer out of your fridge... so you'd have more room the next time you went to the store." (Insert laugh track)...
You kind of assume people aren’t actually LIKE this, right? Yet, there it is... True, it is slightly more subtle, but I have started noticing the trend with someone close to me.
I think maybe it’s just an inconsiderate ego-thing to avoid expressions of gratitude, but rather to turn it around so you don't have to acknowledge how much you are taking/receiving from another person....fear of debt to them? Fear that you will be called on to reciprocate? Hmm...that may be hinting at something there.....
Still, there it is...”
I’m curious to find why people do this. I too have experienced something very similar to what they are describing, from someone I also highly regard (perhaps the same person? I don’t know the answer to that.)
There the problem may lie…
I’ve come to the conclusion that I regard this particular person as a better friend then he regards me as. Being such I treat him better than he treats me. The funny thing is I can’t bring myself to treat him any different.
The biggest problem…I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to reciprocate the feelings. Perhaps I advanced him on the friend list without actually seeking approval. Maybe he doesn’t want to be that close a friend to me…that’s actually a very depressing thought.
Maybe he wants to reciprocate those feelings…but doesn’t know how too. Maybe he’s afraid too. Hmm…that’s an entirely new blog post.
Meanwhile, I feel that I’ve been loaning out the friend benefits left and right…and dropping my world to be there for him when needed…all to find out that I didn’t need the extra room in the fridge…in fact all that extra room just showcases what isn’t there.
It’s an incredibly poor play; one of the players does not know their lines. Said player has lines whispered to them by someone who inexplicably loves them (not in the romantic sense) and cannot stand seeing them fail; the player triumphs…but forgets who helped them when they needed it. The audience sees everything, asks for their money back…but then is found at the stage door asking for autographs.
I need help stopping myself from feeding him lines when he needs it. I know…well before doing it…that whatever I give him will not be returned. I will drop everything to be there for him, but he will never make time for me. The thing is…I would never wish him to be alone when he needs someone. So for the time I will sacrifice my own desire for friendship, and everything that encompasses it, so that he may not feel abandoned.
Stupid me probably needs to realize that he will never be abandoned…he will always have someone to lean on. He is very good at making it seem like he is doing me a favor by letting me be there for him. Letting me cheer him up when things aren’t going well.
Lucky me.
So the real question is how do we stop this from driving us nuts? Now that we can see what is happening…what do we do to avoid it? Do we want to avoid it?
Perhaps we just say we want to avoid it so we don’t sound crazy for putting ourselves through this hell again…but in reality something about the person draws us in…like a bad addiction. We just can’t seem to stop torturing ourselves…
“Well...... you know those sitcom-style neighbor stereotypes... the ones always borrowing things from the main character - who then acts like they are doing the loaner a favor?
You know... like "I took a few of the six-packs of beer out of your fridge... so you'd have more room the next time you went to the store." (Insert laugh track)...
You kind of assume people aren’t actually LIKE this, right? Yet, there it is... True, it is slightly more subtle, but I have started noticing the trend with someone close to me.
I think maybe it’s just an inconsiderate ego-thing to avoid expressions of gratitude, but rather to turn it around so you don't have to acknowledge how much you are taking/receiving from another person....fear of debt to them? Fear that you will be called on to reciprocate? Hmm...that may be hinting at something there.....
Still, there it is...”
I’m curious to find why people do this. I too have experienced something very similar to what they are describing, from someone I also highly regard (perhaps the same person? I don’t know the answer to that.)
There the problem may lie…
I’ve come to the conclusion that I regard this particular person as a better friend then he regards me as. Being such I treat him better than he treats me. The funny thing is I can’t bring myself to treat him any different.
The biggest problem…I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to reciprocate the feelings. Perhaps I advanced him on the friend list without actually seeking approval. Maybe he doesn’t want to be that close a friend to me…that’s actually a very depressing thought.
Maybe he wants to reciprocate those feelings…but doesn’t know how too. Maybe he’s afraid too. Hmm…that’s an entirely new blog post.
Meanwhile, I feel that I’ve been loaning out the friend benefits left and right…and dropping my world to be there for him when needed…all to find out that I didn’t need the extra room in the fridge…in fact all that extra room just showcases what isn’t there.
It’s an incredibly poor play; one of the players does not know their lines. Said player has lines whispered to them by someone who inexplicably loves them (not in the romantic sense) and cannot stand seeing them fail; the player triumphs…but forgets who helped them when they needed it. The audience sees everything, asks for their money back…but then is found at the stage door asking for autographs.
I need help stopping myself from feeding him lines when he needs it. I know…well before doing it…that whatever I give him will not be returned. I will drop everything to be there for him, but he will never make time for me. The thing is…I would never wish him to be alone when he needs someone. So for the time I will sacrifice my own desire for friendship, and everything that encompasses it, so that he may not feel abandoned.
Stupid me probably needs to realize that he will never be abandoned…he will always have someone to lean on. He is very good at making it seem like he is doing me a favor by letting me be there for him. Letting me cheer him up when things aren’t going well.
Lucky me.
So the real question is how do we stop this from driving us nuts? Now that we can see what is happening…what do we do to avoid it? Do we want to avoid it?
Perhaps we just say we want to avoid it so we don’t sound crazy for putting ourselves through this hell again…but in reality something about the person draws us in…like a bad addiction. We just can’t seem to stop torturing ourselves…
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