Knee Updates...

I saw the orthopedic surgeon yesterday. I love this group; they have some amazing doctors…

Looks like a serious sprain, at least per Dr A. I took more X rays…no broken bones. Looks like I will still be on crutches, but am off the immobilizer for the time being. He’d like to put me in a brace with hinges so I can bend my knee while giving it support, though he would like to wait for the abrasions on my knee to heal a little.

He also wants me to get an MRI to be sure the swelling and bruising is not because of ligament damage, he is worried about my medial meniscus.

I go in for an MRI Friday evening, and then another appointment with the ortho four days after that. That will be the moment of truth. Keep your fingers crossed…

Oh, and the chest still hurts like a bitch…but what can you do? I’ve been told to force deep breathes or cough a couple times a day to avoid pneumonia or any other infection from not inhaling/exhaling deeply. You can all imagine how good that feels…

The View From the Ground

Humpty Dumpty fell this weekend while riding with a bunch of friends out in Middleburg…and fractured her sternum, and bruised up her knee (I’m hopeful that is all I did to it; have yet to have that confirmed).

Spent two hours in the ER; which I consider a record fast time…was yelled at by several people for driving myself there… Enjoyed a CAT scan, a CT, and several very painful X-rays…plus two IVs (I was considered a trauma case since I broke my helmet), and that very cool warm stuff that dies your blood for the CT. Plus I escaped having my shirt cut off simply because someone there understood how expensive riding apparel is.

Am now on pain meds for the sternum…and in a knee immobilizer until I can get in to see the orthopedic surgeon for an MRI to confirm whether it’s just bruising or more ligament damage. Other than hurting when inhaling, exhaling, coughing, sneezing, and hiccupping, I feel fine. I would have ridden yesterday in fact if it weren’t for my knee.

My number one question for the doctor?

When will I be able to ride again?

Again With The Torturing...

Below are pieces of a blog post that a friend of mine posted recently. Instead of filling their comment section with my thoughts on the post I decided to take the relevant section and write about it here…

“Well...... you know those sitcom-style neighbor stereotypes... the ones always borrowing things from the main character - who then acts like they are doing the loaner a favor?

You know... like "I took a few of the six-packs of beer out of your fridge... so you'd have more room the next time you went to the store." (Insert laugh track)...

You kind of assume people aren’t actually LIKE this, right? Yet, there it is... True, it is slightly more subtle, but I have started noticing the trend with someone close to me.
I think maybe it’s just an inconsiderate ego-thing to avoid expressions of gratitude, but rather to turn it around so you don't have to acknowledge how much you are taking/receiving from another person....fear of debt to them? Fear that you will be called on to reciprocate? Hmm...that may be hinting at something there.....

Still, there it is...”

I’m curious to find why people do this. I too have experienced something very similar to what they are describing, from someone I also highly regard (perhaps the same person? I don’t know the answer to that.)

There the problem may lie…

I’ve come to the conclusion that I regard this particular person as a better friend then he regards me as. Being such I treat him better than he treats me. The funny thing is I can’t bring myself to treat him any different.

The biggest problem…I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to reciprocate the feelings. Perhaps I advanced him on the friend list without actually seeking approval. Maybe he doesn’t want to be that close a friend to me…that’s actually a very depressing thought.

Maybe he wants to reciprocate those feelings…but doesn’t know how too. Maybe he’s afraid too. Hmm…that’s an entirely new blog post.

Meanwhile, I feel that I’ve been loaning out the friend benefits left and right…and dropping my world to be there for him when needed…all to find out that I didn’t need the extra room in the fridge…in fact all that extra room just showcases what isn’t there.

It’s an incredibly poor play; one of the players does not know their lines. Said player has lines whispered to them by someone who inexplicably loves them (not in the romantic sense) and cannot stand seeing them fail; the player triumphs…but forgets who helped them when they needed it. The audience sees everything, asks for their money back…but then is found at the stage door asking for autographs.

I need help stopping myself from feeding him lines when he needs it. I know…well before doing it…that whatever I give him will not be returned. I will drop everything to be there for him, but he will never make time for me. The thing is…I would never wish him to be alone when he needs someone. So for the time I will sacrifice my own desire for friendship, and everything that encompasses it, so that he may not feel abandoned.

Stupid me probably needs to realize that he will never be abandoned…he will always have someone to lean on. He is very good at making it seem like he is doing me a favor by letting me be there for him. Letting me cheer him up when things aren’t going well.

Lucky me.

So the real question is how do we stop this from driving us nuts? Now that we can see what is happening…what do we do to avoid it? Do we want to avoid it?

Perhaps we just say we want to avoid it so we don’t sound crazy for putting ourselves through this hell again…but in reality something about the person draws us in…like a bad addiction. We just can’t seem to stop torturing ourselves…

One Hell of an Adult-Themed Post!

LIBRA, the sex addict:
Very pretty; very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun, and sweet; they have a unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed!!! Not the kind of person you want to fuck with...you might end up crying... The most irresistible, rare to find; is funny and talkative. Did I say Amazing in Bed? Is erotic and smart; loves sports. Gets what he/she wants; loves to be in a relationship.

I found a bulletin today that had this description of a Libra. I don’t know if this entirely describes me, but it doesn’t sound half bad.

I saw a movie last night with A, about a girl who is deaf and mute who is stuck listening to people’s secrets since she can’t really hear or repeat information. It was very interesting. All of the main characters, besides the father, were in High School. It was very apparent that the most important thing to these High School kids, and actually the father as well, was having sex. I have to admit that when I was in high school sex was the last thing on my mind.

Now it’s the only thing on my mind. Ugh. As much as I don’t want to admit it, it’s been a long time since I’ve had a really good experience in the bedroom department. A really long time. I’m watching this movie about these teenagers obsessing about who wants to screw who and whether someone’s big enough or not…they used select language that even adults I know wouldn’t use so openly. (Maybe that’s my social upbringing coming out…it’s just not polite to use certain phrases in mixed company.)

So I’m watching this movie, and every other scene I’m reminded just how slow my sex department is. Even when it wasn’t so slow, the shoppers were all pretty mediocre. I’m not saying that they may have rocked someone else’s world at one time or another; it just didn’t do it for me.

Then this morning a dear friend of mine calls complaining about why all of the sudden all of the men she knows want to have alternate methods of sex; as if “normal” sex just isn’t doing it for anyone now. I’m not sure I can define “normal” because I believe we all have a little sex-kitten in us that gets excited about doing “different” things, and being such we all interpret “normal” differently. In this particular case “normal” is not limited to how it is done or what location people chose to be in when partaking in such activities, as much as to where certain things are going.

(Using tact and maintaining some form of dignity while writing this is proving exceedingly difficult)

I’m listening to my friend, all the while thinking why are you complaining? At least you're having sex!

So then the next question is what do I do about it? I may chose to search out a potential partner; it can’t be that hard…but then what does that make me? Am I to be branded for life because I am seeking out someone to actually rock the boat for me? What if I find someone up for the task, but they prove unworthy? Do I keep searching?

I can’t…no, I won’t do that. I’m not up for the task at hand. I’m sorry if I can count my partners on my fingers…and no I’m not deformed in some way that gives me addition fingers to count on. I actually just found men who defined what I was looking for, in more ways than one, and I kept them around until one or both of us decided it was no longer working. No, I didn’t mix around and find a different man for each night of the week. It’s a little something called Monogamy. For those of you who have never heard this word it means: the practice of having only one mate.

That being said I think the most difficult line for me to cross is the fact that I don’t sleep with men immediately. The last person I tangled with way before I prefer to admit…well that relationship (if you can call it such) pretty much proved why I have a rule in the first place. I’m neither “easy” nor a slut…and I prefer not to be labeled as such. I prefer to know someone a little bit, become comfortable around them, and try to decrease the chance of what R affectionately refers to as a “bang and run” situation.

It’s actually kind of pitiful in a way…but hell, we’ve all been there and done that; just some of us are going through it now.

I with so many guy friends, all of whom are in a relationship of some type….

…except for wonderful S who lives so damn far away….S proves that sometimes friends make the best lovers…they tend to know you better than you think. ;-) Plus, in most cases and if things are arranged carefully, I think they make an exception to many rules…

Se’la’vie

Beautiful People Can Be Incredibly Smart…

Someone very smart posted a blog about awkwardness and frustration that we cannot always reach out to each other because of misunderstandings and the threat of leaving the wrong impression.

All I have to say is that people in dire need of comfort will never turn away a concerned thought…or hand for that matter. Human contact is a powerful thing…it can mend even the most broken hearts.

I should also congratulate said “Smart Someone” for something that happened this weekend. I really hope that things work out this time and that everyone comes out happy in the end. That’s my most sincere wish. :-)

Perhaps R is right, I might consider a trip out to California for a little TLC. P has been asking me to come, and I could really use a big hug and the chance to just cry it out.

Brio, you are correct that my friends are still here; they are just currently occupied with both great and not-so-great things going on in their own lives. They have enough to worry about without my problems.

Perhaps the best thing for me to do is revel in their happiness until whatever this is goes away.

Please just let it go away. It really hurts.

You’re wrong…sometimes you are alone…

A very difficult chapter of my life was completed this weekend…but it is proving exceedingly difficult to let go.

I know why. I just can’t stop it.

This is a point in time when friends come in really handy. However all of my friends seem to have more important things to do.

It’s okay…really. I understand that my problems are not as important to other people as their own…

The thing is…I always try to be there for them when they need consoling…but it seems that time and again no one is available when I really need them.

Why is it that I fight to make time for everyone else, drop plans to be there for those I care about when they need someone, sacrifice my own needs quite often, with little to no return when I seem to need it?

I’m left feeling…slightly deserted. Alone…trying to fight the urge to need someone I shouldn’t need anymore. I’m left to my own thoughts of inadequacy and weakness.

Perhaps I do not really need other people…maybe this is a sign that I should do this on my own.

Feeling alone is a horrible feeling.

I am desperate for solace.

Tales Of Mere Existence

Oh this applies to so many people I know…we are amazingly intelligent people who love to torture ourselves.