Restless, Anxious…Temporarily, Voluntarily Homeless

I think that pretty much sums it all up.


Approximately 3 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. Does it make any sense for it to be too quiet to sleep? Things are too quiet and too lonesome for good, comfortable, pleasant sleep…


Seeing people, I don’t want to see, in places where they don’t belong. Far too close to home for comfort.


…All leading to my volunteered homeless existence for the rest of the week.


Anyone want to give up couch space for my pup and I?

Heartbroken

Seeing something happen is NOT the same as thinking it will happen.

While you might prepare yourself for it to happen, you may never be prepared for the emotions related to it actually happening.

Hello 1850!

So…I know it sounds circa 1850, but what’s so wrong with women wanting to feel protected by the man they’re with?

It isn’t like feminism came with an extra 60 pounds of muscle and sheer male intimidation! Let’s just face it; while a 150 pound woman in heels can fend off creepy men while holding a martini in a bar; we just don’t have the same impact when out on the street…or at home asleep. We don’t even have the same impact on our own ex-boyfriends, their already immune to whatever we’ve got to dish out.

So why not want to be with a guy who can help out where you fall short? I’m not saying we should all become “pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen” women; but why not be with a guy you trust to stand up for you?

Is it really that demeaning to be with someone you feel safe with? Someone you trust will jump to your rescue if you need it?

It’s raw animal instinct for the male to protect his female…

…that does not mean I’m in support of the raw animal instinct of one male with a whole lot of skanky females. Let’s just keep that straight. ;-)


God I’m tired of my girlfriends thinking it’s wrong. That’s right, I’m calling some of you out…you know who you are…and its okay for you to want that!!!

At least to me...

Disappearing…

Being a person with a rather vivacious character, I have to admit I’m a little tired of dealing with a certain person. I seem to being dealing with one heck of an arrogant person, whose rodomontade gets worse as the conversation goes on. In an effort to cease compunctious feelings from getting the better of me I make every effort to avoid said person…but alas it seems a lost cause.

I would like very much to disappear from 2:00 in the afternoon to 5:00.

I can wish, can’t I?

Seeing as that cannot happen I’m very meticulous to not wear my emotion on my sleeve; which I’ve been rightfully accused of during more often than not. At least I cannot be accused of spouting contumely…I certainly have learned to bite my tongue.

Hmm…I’m certain I’ve never wished for someone to get sick before, but this particular individual could use a bout of the flu that was going around.

Understanding the Reason

How many times a day/week/month/year do we end up doing things without actually understanding the reason?

Is there a reason? Can there possible be a reason for everything?

What if there was. What if some omnipotent force had control over it all? What if that force was the meaning behind everything that happens?

Oh wait…there is....I think its name is God. Grant it, the design of a God is debatable…and many aspects of the debate have valid points in my opinion.

The fact is…no one knows. We can say we believe, we have faith, but we can’t say we know. Not for sure.

For the sake of argument let’s say there is a God.

So God has control over the universe, and has an understanding of all that happens and why, right? So what’s up with all the bad shit going on in the world?

Mormons have an interesting idea of why this happens. They believe in free agency; the idea that humans have the ability to choose how to behave and what to believe. We have the opportunity to choose right or wrong, in accordance to Mormon standards of course. Killing is wrong, but I’m going to elect to kill anyways. Obviously a drastic example, but it gets my point across.

So according to Mormon theory humans can choose to make the wrong decision; since God gave us that ability he doesn’t intervene. The rest of us have to deal with the fact that others are going to make bad, possible horrible, decisions that can in fact destroy our lives.

So what happens when there is no other human involvement? Someone, alone, has a fatal incident. What then? Does God consider the affect on those left behind?

Does He allow those things to happen in order to bring survivors closer to him? Sounds more like a human sacrifice for the good of the whole, right? Maybe that’s what it is…

Perhaps He stays out of affairs on Earth knowing that tragedy brings people closer to Him…for the most part. Of course there will always be people who blame Him and branch further than ever.

I do believe there’s a God. I’m not saying I don’t. I’m just trying to believe there’s more to this than a kid with a magnify glass on top an ant hill.

Huh…trying to understand an omnipotent being…kind of an oxymoron isn’t it?

I can’t stand religion when it begins defining what God is, and what He wants, what He thinks. Who the heck knows?! That’s the whole idea of Him being omnipotent! You just can’t stuff Him in a box. You just have to guess at it…so don’t try to tell me something’s fact.

:-)

Oh Hell…Another TUII?!

I really ought to think things through more…

….I seem to find myself in trouble more often than I like.

Hmm…perhaps I should suspend my decision making ability temporarily. Like getting a DUI for thinking…

We’ll call it “thinking under the influence of irrationality” or TUII for short.

How do you know you’re at risk of a TUII?
· The inability to withstand aggravated looks towards coworkers who just can’t seem to stop pissing you off.
· Failure to maintain focus while running at high speeds on a slightly unstable treadmill because your head is flooded with ideas of what you “should have done” or “should have said”.
· Three or more of your very close friends thought you hated them when they first met you; one of which had a powder brush chucked at her within forty minutes of the introduction.
· Your roommate swears you’re drunk every time you come home from work or the gym.
· You’re mom lives less than five minutes away and you haven’t seen her for four weeks, in which you blame anything and everything.
· People come into your office and you just stare impassively at your computer in hopes they will see that you’re busy and go away…even though you’re really watching season one of Dexter on Netflix.com.

There are just a few…you get the idea.

The consequences of a TUII are of course having your decision making ability suspended for sixty days and paying an unbearable amount of restitution in terms of humility and questionable mental soundness for at least three years (or until people forget).

Not such a bad idea. Who wants to volunteer to be my PO?

Settling for less…blogging a million questions

Someone once said “Everyone settles for less then they deserve at some point in their life.” I find this very true; only at the time I heard that I thought it mostly referred to career related forfeits. Since then (I was twenty when I heard this the first time) I’ve realized it plays a huge part in relationships to say the least.

After this last year I’ve been flooded with questions about settling…

Why do we settle? Are we afraid that this is as good as it gets? What if we break up with him/her and no one else comes along? We don’t want to be alone…no one wants to be alone in that sense.

Perhaps we feel obligated to stay in a relationship because we know what it means to the other person; or because we feel we owe them after so much time. Do we really owe them? It isn’t like money. Can you really owe someone your life? Since when are relationships blood debts?

What other things in our lives are being sacrificed? Are we doing everything we want to do still? Are we happy? Are we looking at other relationships, other people, wondering what it would be like to be them? Do we crush those thoughts with ideas that we don’t deserve that? Do we cut ourselves short as punishment? Do we have any idea why we’re punishing ourselves in the first place?

We punish ourselves all the time…whether we realize it or not. Maintaining a relationship with someone less than what we want, need, or deserve is punishment of the worst kind!

Here’s another thing; while we’re so busy settling for less than best, what are we doing to those around us less involved? Are you abusing fantastic friendships because we can’t seem to see what everyone else knows? Are we ignoring the truly magnificent people right in front of us because we are caught in a tangled web of obligation?

I spent so much time in that web…ignoring friends who were truly there to support me. In the end I found my way out of the web, but have still not found my way to fully reconciling the pain I caused a few of those friends. Was it worth it? Did that relatively short time span make losing a friend here and there worth it? Do good friends do that anyways?! Wouldn’t they understand that people make mistakes and forgive you for making a poor decision?

I’m dangerously close to burning out…so many questions, so many answers to each one!

….luckily I think I’ve learned from past mistakes and will not settle for less in the future…but I can’t help but hurt a little for those I see doing it themselves.

Slapped With It Again

I received my reminder email that Fairfax County Co-ed softball is around the corner again. My lovely, and a lot less pregnant, team captain emailed out to see who all plans on playing again this season. Of course I was one of three to respond within a few minutes…one of the many perks of working in front of a computer all day.

Last season I play, rather successfully, catcher and second base. I caught a lot of fly balls as catcher, and also had a lot of close calls. One game I went to catch a foul ball and the batter swung a second time, coming within inches of my forehead. I saw it coming and plunked right on my ass you avoid the blow. Members from both my team and the opposition gasped at how close she came to hitting me. I caught the ball…hehe, the uber competitive person that I am.

So needless to say out team captain wrote back that she had hoped I’d be back, and how much they needed me there.

Again with the needs…

Why take a perfectly powerful sentence and turn it into an uncontrolled instinctive condition? For example:

“Jim, I need you to come over and spend time with me.”
“Oh jeez Anne, I don’t want to lose you…I need you.”
“I need the money for that game I want Mom!”
“I can’t live without you Alex, I need our relationship.”

Try removing the word “need” and replace it with “want”. Isn’t it much more powerful admitting a desire instead of reconciling a primitive requirement?

Hmm…some people get it and some don’t. I have a feeling that those who just don’t want to get it can’t stand the idea of people not wanting them around…so they fall back on trying to get people to need them. If they need you, it isn’t up to them..so you can't be rejected…everyone’s happy, right?

I suppose if that’s how you want to look at it.

I don’t need anyone…but boy do I want some of ya’ll around me!!

Fortune from H E double Elle

“You will get what you ask for…even if you didn’t ask for it, or want it.”

Oh Wait…It Can Get Worse!

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse…they did. Thanks to Process Monkey I can have a little relief for the weekend…but boy do I feel like just sitting down and crying! Urgh!!

Can I tell you how much I hate mechanical problems? (Oh wait; I can use that towards all sorts of road blocks facing me right now!) It’s amazing how much relationships and cars have in common in my life right now. :-/

I’m very inundated by the last 24 hours of pure crap!

Annual Review Headaches

I had to remove the word “cantankerous” from my annual review.

I’m irritated. It defined what I was talking about PERFECTLY! No other word fits just as right. I removed the entire sentence.

What Am I Exactly?

Recently in a conversation the following idea came up. There are six sentences to complete. It’s fun to answer them as quickly as possible without further thought, then go back and really think about each one and whether or not you would change any of your immediate responses. These were actually my immediate responses…

I am: delighted with where my life is right now.
I will: continuously support people’s dreams.
I want: …
I want not: to inadvertently hurt those I care most about.
I will not: settle for less than what I deserve.
I am not: afraid to tell people the truth!

What I want is very personal to me, so I’m not sharing…for the time being. :-)

The best thing about this…it can change as many times as you want! None of the sentences are written in stone; we are constantly redefining our ambitions and changing our opinion on ourselves.

I like it…

Pleasure really can mean something other than sex…

Pleasure doesn’t have to be about sex…though it is a key ingredient. I wonder why people tie the two together…as if they can only go together.

Furthermore, since when does pleasure have to carry opprobrium thoughts? What’s going on there?! Hello! When I’m talking about something pleasurable, get your damn head out of the gutter!

…just a random thought…